R-Day and the Eclipse of Self-Confidence

Note: A friend sent me a message after my last post on humility.  She said that she struggled more with a lack of self-confidence than she ever did with humility.  In some ways, it seems like two sides of the same coin of self-reliance.  I thought I owed it to her to look deeper into that nexus.

June 2000

Reception Day (R-Day) into Beast Barracks for West Point's Class of 1999.  A matter of hours ago, we were civilians.  Then the loud speaker echoed these words through the tense gymnasium, "You have one minute to say goodbye to your parents and report to the cadets at the top of the bleachers."  From there, it was a blur of yelling, head shaving, and the issuing of uniforms, canteens, soap, etc.

Eventually, I stood in a line of "new cadet candidates" on a painted yellow line on the black asphalt of Central Area.  Granite buildings surrounded us.  Locking me and my classmates into the Long Gray Line of cadets that stretched back to 1802.  The sun baked down on us through the muggy air of the Hudson Valley.  Excitement mixed with terror.  As the day went on, somewhere around a dozen of my potential classmates cracked and quit.

I looked out upon the scene through my thick Army-issued glasses. My head was shaved and covered with issued sunscreen.  My classmates and I all wore gray t-shirts, black shorts, black socks, and black leather shoes.  The green duffel bag on my back held all of my belongings.  Sweat seeped through my clothes.

The line inched forward toward the "Cadet in the Red Sash" to report in to our new cadet company.  I'd heard of this storied tradition.  I tried to peer over the new cadet candidate's shoulder in front of me.  All I could see was towering man barking out orders to the new cadet candidate at the front of the line. 

I was scared, but I was also cocky.  I'd been an All-State Football player in high school and had won a state championship.  I held school wrestling records for the most pins in a season and the most pins over a career.  My grades had been honor roll or better for the last four years.  These past accomplishments straightened my spine and reminded me that if anyone was equipped to master this scenario it was me.  I'd been through the process of the wheat separating from the chaff before and I knew that was only a matter of time before I demonstrated my worth.

That self-confidence began to run low as I approached the front of the line.  The, the new cadet candidate in front of me was getting grilled by the Cadet in the Red Sash.  Everything he said and did was wrong.  He saluted wrong, reported wrong, and even stepped up to the line wrong.  My own nerves were rattling, but I knew that I'd get it right.  Maybe not the first time, but defnitely the second.

Then the Cadet in the Red Sash was yelling at me.  He had to have been six inches taller than me with a gleaming white hat, white shirt with ribbons, gray cotton trousers, and a red sash around his waist.  "New Cadet Candidate, step up to my line, salute, and report into your company!  Do not step on, my line, or over my line."

"Yes, sir!" I said and snapped off a quick two steps.  I was beginning my salute when his voice boomed out.

"New Cadet Candidate, I said step up to my line!  Look at your feet!"

I looked down.  One of my black leather shoes was a half an inch on the line.  The other one was a half inch behind it.

"Go back and start over New Cadet Candidate."

I did.  I looked down to make sure that my feet landed perfectly.

"Did I say you could look down New Cadet Candidate?"

"N-n-no, sir."

"Go back and start over!"

I stepped wrongly up to the line two more times, each time by what seemed like less than an eighth of an inch.   When I finally made it, I forgot how I was supposed to report.  I can't remember whether it was three, four, or even five more times that I tried and failed.

Eventually, I either got close enough or the Cadet in the Red Sash just decided it was time to keep the line moving. 

I turned on a heel and darted into barracks for the first time.  My ego was broken and self-confidence dashed, but it didn't matter.  I was heading onto the next task because it was my duty.  I was supposed to follow orders even if I didn't have the means to get them right.

It wouldn't take three more minutes before I failed at another "simple" task.


May 2011

Out of all of the lessons that I learned in my experiences at West Point, the Cadet in the Red Sash's lesson to continue on in spite of personal failure was the most powerful.  Through Beast Barracks and into Plebe year,  I failed everyday at simple tasks such as memorizing the newspaper, properly calling out the minutes and uniform before meals, addressing senior cadets by the proper organizational greeting, and even cutting cake at a proper angle.

Those failures and the lessons to continue on despite of them were good practice for the years to come when I would fail on varying in importance from landscaping to marriage.  Sometimes, I even failed to save lives.  The sting of some of the failures didn't last for an hour others will haunt me forever.

Somewhere along the line the question of whether I was self-confident enough to complete a task fell by the wayside.  The operative question became was I taking the action or following the path that I believed the Divine had laid out before me.  If I was, then there was no other option but to do my best to complete whatever task was in front of me - regardless of my skill or capacity.  If not, then it was time to alter my path. 

The determination of whether we are on the proper path or taking the right action is a continuing wrestling match between the ego, faith, and reason.  As long as we are breathing, we will struggle with that fundamental analysis.

In contrast, the question at the root of self-confidence is whether we have the capacity to complete the task in front of us.  That question is just a distraction.  If we trust in the Divine to put us on the proper path, the question of whether we can complete the tasks on that path is irrelevant.

We'll attempt them because we're supposed to.  If we fail, we've got to believe either that a higher power is judging off of a different scorecard than the one we have in front of us or that we're being prepared for a more critical future trial.

Proverbs sums it up better than I ever could.  "Trust in the Lord with all you hear, on your own intelligence rely not; in all your ways be mindful of him and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6.

It's a challenging trail but thankfully your success doesn't depend on whether you think you have what it takes to succeed.

If you're still terrified that you're not up to a task, it's hard to been a "Holy Spirit work through me" or "Holy Spirit speak through me mantra."  I wish I would have had that in my toolkit when I had to report to the Cadet in the Red Sash.

A Humble Foundation

May 19, 2011

I had lunch yesterday with my friend Matthew Fischer.  While Matthew and I disagree on some things, he's been a great spiritual mentor for me.  Particularly, helping me put specifics that I'd seen or experienced into the bigger context.

It one of our typical rambling conversations that ranged from fun to sad topics then back again.  But Matthew always leaves me with a something to think about, even if it is just a single sentence to a bigger story.

This time the sentence was "God's power works through weakness and humility."  Matthew continued his explanation saying that the ego was great for building human strength and work ethic.  Tapping into divine power required the exact opposite approach.

I mulled his point around for the rest of the day.  I thought of the five most obvious times the Divine had acted in my life: to save a falling coworker, prevent my suicide, to campaign for better care for veterans, and to stop my family's financial collapse.  With the exception of blocking the coworkers fall, each of those incidents had occurred after I'd failed.  The fight was already lost before victory claimed the day.

I didn't get any help until I gave up my illusions that I could resolve the situation.  I had to admit personal failure in order for my requests for help to be answered.  The admission of my own position of weakness was critical.  As long as I tried to maintain control over the situation, that control was left up to me and I would have walked down a path of failure or tragedy.

It's hard to pull a broader lesson out of this realization.  How do we give ourselves up completely in a world where we are still required to be in control?  What is the proper balance between maintaining personal responsibility and asking for divine help? 

I can't sit on my couch waiting for God to feed my kids.  I can't stand in front of the computer screen all day waiting for zeroes to get added to my bank account.  Yet on the other hand, I can't labor under the illusion that I have all of the answers and brains to solve my family's daily problems.  The world is full of pitfalls deeper than any ladder I possess.  It doesn't make sense for me not to ask to use a better ladder.

I struggled to pull some type of lesson from this paradox.  Then I remembered that Matthew hadn't just said God's power worked through "weakness."  He'd said, "weakness and humility."

Humility might be the answer to the question of how can we balance our own personal responsibility on one hand and a belief system that says Divine help is a possibility on the other.

Humility allows us to be honest about our status in the world and our ability to affect our own situation.  It allows for a strong sense of personal responsiblity, yet removes any internal barriers hat the ego can create to keep out Divine help.
Jesus was clear on the relationship between humility and Divine support when he said, "Whoever exalts himself will be humbled; but whoever humbles himself will be exalted." Matthew 23:12.  Similarly, "The greatest among you must be your servant."  Matthew 23:11.

The words of the Dalai Lama take us further.  "Humility is an essential ingredient in our pursuit of transformation, although this may seem at odds with our need for confidence. But just as there is clearly a distinction between valid confidence, in the sense of self-esteem, and conceit, so it is important to distinguish between genuine humility, which is a kind of modesty, and lack of confidence."

It's a powerful realization in a modern world that finds humility as a weakness instead of a virtue.  That realization challenges us to protect our own humility which is under constant attack whenever we are fortunate enough to find success in or approval from the world.






 

Vigilante Day and the Bigger Battle

Note: The credit and blame for the historical analysis discussed below should fall upon the shoulders of Frederick Allen and his book "A Decent, Orderly Lynching: Montana's Vigilantes"

May 5, 2011

The reason I started doing this project was to share my belief that there is a spiritual reality that affects our our lives.  The world is more than what we have the ability to consistently perceive and measure.  We can argue all day about the theology that may define that reality, but my core message is that it exists and it is not in our best interests to pretend it does not.

The follow-on to this argument, is that the spiritual world is not all Divine love, rainbows, and guardian angels.  Evil exists.  It exists in the physical world and it exists in the spiritual realm.  This basic concept of evil in the spiritual realm is reflected in Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Hinduism, and Zoroastrianism. http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/2001/08/What-The-Devil.aspx?p=1. 

I've struggled with how to describe this basic concept to an audience that is so versed in media stories about evil.  It feels like trying to tell someone that the sky is blue when really the point is why the sky appears blue. 

Earlier this week, a Navy SEAL team killed Osama Bin Laden.  The story of the operation and Bin Laden's death reverberated around the world.  For the past few days, even the most blithe have had trouble avoiding conversations of justice, evil, and retribution. 

A courageous writer would tackle this story and try to drain deep meaning out of how a man who fought for Aghan freedom from the Soviet occupation transformed into a terrorist, but I am not a courageous writer.  I'd rather analyze Vigilante Day.

Tomorrow afternoon, Helena's teenagers will celebrate another Vigilante Day by riding historically-minded parade floats through downtown streets.  The parade will offer a fun couple of hours and a full serving of our frontier culture, but it's not likely that there will be a lot of reflection about the men and events the day is named after.  That may be a good thing.

In the first six weeks of 1864, Montana's Vigilantes killed twenty-one men.  These twenty-one were alleged members of the Plummer Gang who the Vigilante's claimed were responsible for over one hundred murdres across the Montana territory.  Over the course of the next six years, the Vigilantes killed thirty others. 

The initial accounts of these killing shone with the glory of dime store novel frontier justice, but over time the accounts have become more skeptical, some even going as far to say it was all a political power play to seize control over the young Montana Territory. See, http://www.jcs-group.com/oldwest/sinners/plummer.html.  The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle, but there is little doubt that a portion of the people that ended up the wrong end of a noose without a trial either were innocent or had committed crimes that didn't justify death even in the 1860s.

It's beyond me to try and determine how good the Vigilantes were before they starting lynching the Plummer Gang or how bad they became by the end of their spree.   But their fall from grace reflects a pattern that we still see played out every day.  People fall to temptation and commit evil acts.  The evil can be commonplace arrogance or hard heartedness or somewhere more along the lines of lynching and flying jets into the World Trade Center.  Either way, it's from the same vein. 

It's easy to look in hindsight and say that these people were never good.  We blame it on their childhood, their environment, their genes, their brain structure, their religion, their lack of religion...  All of those justifications have their place, but there's something bigger going on.  Something that we've tried to put behind us.  It's the basic reality of what evil is and how it impacts our lives.

The Buddhist say that Mara is the king of demons and his goal is to keep humans from proceeding down the right path.  Iblis, the devil in Islam, tempts humans and tries to mislead them.  The Bible describes the fight against evil as a battle for souls.  "For our stuggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens." Ephesians 6:12.

If you follow any of these spiritual paths, then your course is lit by the reality that there is evil in the world and it is going to constantly try and take you away from your duty to the Divine.  Evil has the power to shape the events in our lives and set us up to fall.  It will attack you at your highest point and again at your lowest.

We will all take that fall, over and over again; but each day and even every decision offers an opportunity for redemption.  We can take two steps forward for every step back, because we are called to the light and the light is more powerful than the darkness.  While each of those faiths has definite description of the Devil and other evil entities.  None of them presents evil as being anything more than a candle against the sun of the Divine light.

That Divine protection from evil is waiting for us.  We just need to ask for it with an an open humble heart.  As described by Saint Paul, "draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power."

Each one of us is going to lose our daily battles with evil, but we cannot let those defeats stop us from trying to win the war.