"The Sin of... Wanting to Be Heard"

I spent the last two months compiling Looking for Answers posts into a manuscript and then editing them to publish as a book. My initial copy of the book arrived yesterday. I showed it to a friend and she said that they couldn't believe that someone as sinful as me wrote a book on religion. It was a statement, not a judgment.

It's also the same thing I think each time I sit down at the computer to write this blog. I told her that I wrote a buyer-beware disclaimer stating that I'd racked up more than my fair share of sins in more than my fair share of sinful categories. But still, it feels strange to try and offer guidance in the face of my own flaws. I've got a particular weakness for sins of arrogance, lust, and vengeance. I've fallen into all of those traps before and almost certainly will again. I can't help but wonder what could anyone learn from someone like that.

My friend also pointed out that the very act of writing a book about humility is hypocritical. Again, she was right. Thomas Merton, one of the most prolific religious writers of the 20th century, accused himself of, "The sin... of wanting to be heard..." I know that I share that sin with Merton, though I lack his talent and prolificacy.


It's been over a year since I began this blog, but I am still not qualified to write it. I've tried not to pretend to be anyone that I am not, but I'm sure that I've failed at that. Yet, I still feel compelled to tell what I believe and why in hope that those words might help someone who is struggling.


I've asked for the Holy Spirit's help, but I don't know if my words will be able to overcome my own sins. Yet, I am heartened by the example of King David. In Psalm 51, King David gave us one of the most beautiful and lasting prayers in all of history; but he would not have been able to write it if he hadn't committed some of the darkest sins.



Psalm 51

 ¹ Have mercy on me, O God,
   according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
   blot out my transgressions.
² Wash away all my iniquity
   and cleanse me from my sin.

 ³ For I know my transgressions,
   and my sin is always before me.
⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
   and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
   and justified when you judge.
⁵ Surely I was sinful at birth,
   sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
⁶ Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
   you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

 ⁷ Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
   wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
   let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
⁹ Hide your face from my sins
   and blot out all my iniquity.

 ¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God,
   and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence
   or take your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
   and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

 ¹³ Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
   so that sinners will turn back to you.
¹⁴ Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
   you who are God my Savior,
   and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
¹⁵ Open my lips, Lord,
   and my mouth will declare your praise.
¹⁶ You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
   you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
¹⁷ My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
   a broken and contrite heart
   you, God, will not despise.